i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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