Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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