I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
being pregnant is like rehab
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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