This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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