so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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