Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
