Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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