Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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