God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
