is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
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I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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