: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
