Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
