Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
