i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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