I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
