Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
