I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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