Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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