At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just tell him i said nine months
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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