I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
