I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
