You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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