But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
