apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
