the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
