Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
