He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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