I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
