Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
