'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
