The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
