i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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