She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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