You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
