Heybabeimwearingurpanties
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
