I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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