i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
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Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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