At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
