I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
