He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
