That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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