you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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