Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
