elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
