just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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