my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
