I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
