So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
