1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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