And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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