I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
