I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
