For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
