two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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