Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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